It’s amazing how we can be married ten, twenty, thirty, forty, or even fifty plus years and still find there is much we don’t know about each other. Some experts say it’s because we’ve lost the art of conversation. Others say it’s because we don’t allow it to continue after we marry —we allow everyday living to separate and distance us instead.
Whatever the case, it’s none-the-less important to keep the lines of communication and conversation open so you grow together rather than apart. Don’t allow yourself to get into the situation like Pat Williams describes:
“The trouble in our marriage wasn’t infidelity, it was fidelity with fatigue, a marriage gone soft and sour due to lack of attention. It was the lack of communication that nearly killed us.”
Be intentional. Look, find, figure out, MAKE the time to converse and connect with each other in meaningful ways.
“Dialog is to love what blood is to the body.”
So, to help you in this mission for your marriage, we have provided some “Conversation Starters” from various resources to help you get started.
Keep in mind that these questions are not meant to cause division between you but rather to help you to better understand and know each other. If the conversation starts to go in a negative direction, stop and start again. If you need to revisit a particular question at another time to bridge your differences, then set a time to do so. But aim to do it in a way that is respectful of each other’s character and feelings.
During this time, however, keep the conversation going in a less confrontational direction.
Below you will find a sampling of several questions from the book titled, Creative Conversation Starters for Couples, written by Robert and Pamela Crosby, published by Honor Books. Unfortunately, this resource is no longer in print. (But if you can find a copy of the book somewhere in the future, you may find it helpful).
During your time together ask each other as many of the questions below as you decide to do at one sitting (and ask additional questions during other times you set aside):
- If you could store up only one hour’s worth of memory in your mind, which hour of our marriage would you want to remember?
- If you could have witnessed any biblical event, which one would you choose?
- When do you feel most loved?
- Which strengths in your life bring you the greatest satisfaction?
- What is the best way for me to encourage you?
- What time of day is best for us to talk?
- If we could just drop what we’re doing and go do something fun, what would it be?
- What is one of the most adventurous things you’ve ever done?
- In your opinion, what makes a great parent?
- What are five essential values we want our children to embrace above all others?
- What can we do as a couple to change the world in which we live?
- What goals would you like us to accomplish in our marriage in the next year? … five years? … ten years?
Below are several questions from the book 201 Great Questions, written by Jerry Jones, published by NavPress. (To obtain more questions you’ll need to obtain the book —which we recommend! And/or you may want to obtain the book 201 Great Questions for Married Couples. To begin your time together, ask the following questions:
- What is your earliest memory?
- If you could live in any other time period, past or future, what period would you choose? Why?
- What movie or television program have you seen in the last year that you wish all your friends could see?
- If someone gave you enough money to start a business of your own, what kind of business would you start?
- If you didn’t have to worry about making a living, what would you most like to do for the rest of your life?
- When making decisions, do you put more trust in facts or in feelings? Are you pleased with most of your decisions?
- What do you consider to be your greatest strengths? Your greatest weaknesses?
- What is usually the first thing that comes to your mind when you think about God?
- What would you most like people to remember you for after you die?
- What are the five things you are most thankful for in your life right now? What are some of the things you do to show this thankfulness?
- Whose marriage do you most consider to be a model marriage? What is it about their marriage that you most admire?
- Has there been a time in the past year or two when God seemed especially real or close to you? If so, explain.
If it’s possible, you may try (because it’s no longer being published) to find the book, Now We’re Talking, by Robert and Pamela Crosby, published by Focus on the Family. Below are a few sample questions you can ask each other (which will hopefully inspire you to obtain the book, if you can find it, to continue building your intimacy):
- What’s the best book you’ve read recently? Tell me about it. What did you like about it?
- Which holiday do you enjoy the most? Why that one?
- If you could possess any extraordinary talent in one of the arts, what would you choose?
- If you could bring any former leader from the past back to run our country today, who would it be?
- What makes a married relationship distinctively Christian? How is a Christian couple different from a non-Christian one?
- In what ways do you think the marriages of our parents affect the marriage you and I share today? Be honest with me.
- Are there some times when a disagreement needs to be postponed? if so, when? How can we discern those kinds of times?
- When have you felt the most loved by me?
- What fears do you wrestle with the most? How do you manage them?
- What practical steps can we take as a couple to “affair-proof” our marriage?
- With so many marriages falling apart around us today, what steps can you and I take to ensure that we stay close as a couple, emotionally and spiritually?
For additional questions you can use as conversation starters as a married couple, please click onto the web site links provided below:
And then below are questions that are recommended to ask each other every year:
This resource was put together by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions.